About Us

ABOUT US
May 2, 2003
The Davebrand Monthly Visitor was founded in 1973 and originally titled the New York Times. After a brief misunderstanding with another company with a similar title, the name was changed to Arthur Rasmussen Carnival of Earthly Delights and Spheroid of Ultimate Concern in 1974, which was shortened to the Spheroid in 1975.

In 1977, the Mongolian Weekly Standard, as the monthly was then called, was purchesed and consolidated with the Argentinian Royal News to become Ernest Bledsoe’s Requiem, a deadly serious bimonthly that discussed issues such as cremation and funeral home policy, which led to the 1980 title Funeral Home Times.

In 1985, the name was shortened to the Fun Times, an unfortunate name for a magazine concerning caskets and headstones, but this led the way to a 1986 buyout where the paper kept the same name but changed coverage from the funeral industry to the small-but-growing wake party supply industry.

With the consolidation of the wake party supply industry into 145 outlets instead of 146, the paper soon suffered it’s largest setback and laid off 90% of it’s workforce of 20. Two months later, in December 1986, the paper was shutdown. A small rememberence party was given, but no one attended the wake.

Deeply in debt, behind bars for mail fraud and wiretapping, and undergoing a sex change operation simultaneously, the last worker in the Fun Times press room bought the paper for one dollar (most papers were only a quarter then) and renamed it Elizabeth Dole’s Happy Fun Time Variety Hour. This led to a television series, and soon a movie, staring Arnold Schwatzenegger as Elizabeth Dole, and the magazine enjoyed it’s greatest period of properiety ever.

But the glamor of running an industry around one celebrity, especially such a boring one as Elizabeth Dole, soon took it’s toll on the paper and the editor, who disappeared suddenly one morning on his way to the toilet. He has never been seen since, but rumors say that you can still here him ask “Can someone spare me a roll? PLEASE??” anytime you go near the men’s room.

Unencumbered by it’s glamorous and dizzying past, the paper was rechristened the Evening Gazelle, and, in 1990, had a circulation of about 17. Buoyant and optimistic, the new editor, Marvin Kassel, was run over by a herd of wild antelope. The irony wasn’t lost on the staff, who selected one of their own, Bob Quincy, to head the newly titled Amateur Update with Bob Quincy, largely on the grounds that his name was already in the title.

But that all changed when Bob Quincy (1991) became Elvin Hartfield (1992) which became Ira Reynolds (1992, 1994) briefly interrupted by Edited by Dave (1993). In 1995, after the so-called “Editor Wars” had scared off all but the most loyal of readers, the paper was then called Only Assholes Read This ‘Zine, a post-punk industrial hard-line introduction to the fast-growing polka-metal-dance scene.

With the death of polka in 1995, the paper was then called Emily’s Sewing News, a harmless collection of sewing tips and right-wing propaganda, which led to several spinoff publications: Frugal Bugle (1996), Canning Today (1997), Ira’s Special Herb Growing Weekly (published irregularly since 1997), Martin Kovac’s Straw House (1998), Allan Kovac’s Twig Hut (1999), Bobby Kovac’s Brick Building (2000), and Richard Wolf’s Wind-Generated Demolition Guide (2001).

With the collapse of the world economy in 2001, so too did all of these subsidary papers collapse, like so many straw or twig houses. Only Sew What’s New?, Emily’s original magazine, survived. Ironically, the paper was housed in a glass-and-steel skyscrapper which was destroyed shortly thereafter. All of the magazine’s offices were destroyed.

In tears, Emily sold her paper to the current owner, who renamed it the Davebrand Monthly Visitor. Emily was committed to prison for grand larceny, was released in 2006, and subsequently convicted for fradulent mattress tagging. She will see daylight in 2016. The Davebrand Monthly Visitor has the largest circulation of any on-line magazine at davebrand.com.

© 2003, DaveBrand Private Partnerships, Inc.