The Davebrand Monthly Visitor

Hi to my Canadian friends!

It is with full, heart-aching love that i send you my latest update. It has been so very long since I’ve tasted your fresh trout or set fire to your embassies that I’ve almost forgotten the cleanness of your faces and the dampness of your trousers. I hope you all write me back and let me know what trouble you’ve gotten into. I’m so glad to hear that our dear Jason is happily married and happily defending the streets of Westminster, and that our dear Melissa will soon be married as well. What else is everyone up to?

Arriving back in Austin, I’ve promptly found work for an insurance company. My job was to set fire to the homes of midgets, so that they cannot receive funds due to suspecting arson. After three months, the job got boring and I starting looking for new ways to express my creativity. Instead of torches, I started using a trebuchet to launch flaming harpsichords onto unsuspecting neighborhoods with a note attached saying “I’ll be Bach.” I quit the job when the insurance company ran out of harpsichords. Midgets still run rampant on our streets.

My next job, if you can call it such, was anchoring great hydrogen airships to the tallest building in Austin, the Frost tower. It looks not unlike Superman’s Fortress of Steel that he kept at the North Pole. I always wondered about how he kept it clean — it must be very difficult to hire maids at the North Pole. Maybe he borrows Santa’s elves in the off-season, you know, when Santa is not abusing them. Personally, I think Santa (anagram for Satan) is a real fat bourgeois bastard who is basically exploiting the good-natured elves. Every time I see him in the malls, it gets my blood boiling. Free the elves! Start a union! Fight the power!

But I digress.

The job busted but left me with a very nice severance package — all of the hydrogen I could steal. So I started an organic helium farm, where I would grow helium by “fusing” two hydrogens together. It’s painstaking work, since they’re so bloody small, but after months of patience, I produced quite a lot of helium and my voice has risen three octaves. That, and I lost a testicle. I think it rolled under the bed.

With my ready supply of helium, I’m back into my original racket, the funnily-shaped animal balloon biz. Unfortunately, no one told me that you’re supposed to take the balloons and turn them into animals — for so long now, I’ve been taking animals and turning them into balloons. Nothing puts a smile on the face of a young child quite like the sight of their former pet cat Fitzy filled with helium and floating bloatedly above their backyard!

More recently, I’ve started working for the University of Texas at Austin, doing computer stuff and trying to sleep with the blond lab manager. She keeps saying no, even going to the extreme of marrying someone else just to prove her point, but I’m persistent and I’m sure it’ll pay off. While she’s busy, I’ve been dating a young red-headed powerhouse named Kristen who studies issues of poverty on the US-Mexico border.

In my spare time, I’m working on a Master’s degree in Geography. So far, I can name all of the capitals that start with the letter A, and quite a few of the B ones. (I’m up to Belmopan). Unfortunately, I haven’t remembered what they’re the capital of. I’ve also been working on a project looking at the emergency rooms at hospitals in Austin and seeing who uses them, but I’ve noticed that quite a lot of them tend to be both poor and sick. They’re really quite a drag. I’m looking for a new geography project, like which country has the loneliest women. (The United States of Belmopan??)

In January, I’m quiting work, and going back to school full time. Then, I’m quiting school and going back to travel full time. Then, I’m quiting quiting and going back to school for a PhD. I might stay in Austin, but I might also move to Seattle, so I recommend that you come visit me in Austin while you can.

Austin’s quite lovely, and I really enjoy it here, even if it is supposed to be 39C on Tuesday and it’s only fucking April. The weather’s warm, and the young ladies are in full bloom, and if you come soon, you’ll receive a beer, kisses, and a bouquet of tortilla chips. I have a ton of friends who are not nearly as drunk as you guys are, and I sincerely wish they were. I loved visiting Canada, especially since it was rent free and I stole Jonathan Charbonneau’s underpants so I didn’t have to wash my own. So what I’m saying is hurry up because Thursday night is $2 Margarita night. Air Canada is running a deal where flying to Austin is free. (return trip is double.) I will be in Seattle at the end of the month if anyone wants to visit me and shower me with affection and/or donuts.

Give my love to everyone in Canada who doesn’t have the clap.

(If you run out, I’ll send another jar.)

PS — I forgot to tell you why David Sedaris called me a fat bastard, so I’ll have to do that another time.

Señor Anna Conda, Esq.