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Live, Freeze, or Die: Live from the New Hampshire Primaries

I think Kerry/Edwards is the most likely ticket. Have you heard Edwards speak? He’s a very strong speaker, with lots of southern charm. (I can’t stand it, but it sells well to the stix.) He has this spiel:

EDWARDS: “There are two Americas: one for the people who work, the people who have to earn every penny, and one for the rich, the fat cats, who don’t have to worry about anything. Well, my friends, if you what you want is more negative campaigning and tearing people down, I’m not your man. But if you want hope for a better America, then vote for me!”

Other campaigns have followed suit…

SHARPTON: “No, my friends, Edwards is wrong. There are three Americas! The Mama America, the Papa America, and the Baby America! And someone has eaten all of of the Baby America’s porridge! And that someone is George W. Bush! Now, if you want a porridge-eatin’ Goldilocks in Washington, I’m not your man! But if you want someone who will stand up for the Mamas and the Papas and the Babys of America, vote for me!”

KUCINICH: “Actually, there’s only one America! And there’s one Canada, and half of Belize in there as well and some really good Mexican stuff, and that’s why NAFTA is wrong! If you want a NAFTA lovin’ frat boy who’s going to fill the White House with big business interests, I’m not your man. But if you want someone who’s going to toke it up in the Lincoln Bedroom with Willie Nelson, vote for me!”

LIEBERMAN: “We’ve got two Americas on sale for the price of one!”

CLARK: “No, my friends, my fellow candidates are all wrong — there are actually seven Americas. I happen to be the latest, sent here by the Timelords in my Tardis to fight the Daleks and to protect this meager planet from the 29th century. So if you want Captain America for President, I’m not your guy. But if you’re into Dr. Who, vote for me!!”

DEAN: “LOOK HOW LOUD I HAVE TO YELL!”

KERRY: “There are five Americas…”

SUPPORTER: “Three, sir!”

KERRY: “… THREE Americas. North, South, East and West. Four! Four Americas, North, South, East, West, and that little central bit. Oh, Alaska and Hawaii! Okay, I’ll start again.”

KERRY: “Amongst the Americas are such diverse elements as North, South, East, West, Alaska, and Hawaii. And Puerto Rico. Now, if you’re expecting the Spanish Inquisition, I’m not your guy. But then, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

And Now, an Ode

O Where have you gone, Kotter?

How I would gladly welcome you back.

And where are those numerous blond bimbos

who lived with that Tripper named Jack?

Where are Lenny and Squiggy and Mork

And Potsie, and Ritchie and the Fonz?

Tell me, hey hey, What’s Happenin’ Now?

And where has Fat Albert’s gang gone?

And the Brown Hornet, the hero of old,

who zipped through the air like a brown piece of mold,

and yes I remember it quite well

the shirt designed by Gordon Gartrelle

If you think that I’m silly or slightly obscure,

let me whisper a small bit of truth –

for one day very soon

you’ll be laughed out the room

as you start romanticizing your youth.

Absurd Question

If you had a wall of Legos (or Lego Brand bricks), and you shot a bullet through the wall, would the hole be round or rectangular?

And, what if the bullet was a Lego Brand bullet? What shape would the hole be then?

Last night, I went to Borders to buy the new Python autobiography, and there were these poor girl scouts selling cookies outside, and they asked me,
“sir, would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

So I asked, “Are they made of real girl scouts?”

And she looked at me like I was crazy, “No!”

So, I said, “What??? You use artificial girl scouts in your cookies??? “

And they all looked at me like I was crazy, so I felt guilty and bought a boughx.

I gave it away, though, because I can’t eat cookies.

Then they told me that they were raising money for the troops overseas, and I said,
“What? Now you’re sending girl scouts to sell cookies overseas?”

That’s my story for the day.

Great! Now everyone’s trying to get into the act…

In an apparent attempt to mimic Michael Jackson - yet take it one step further, Steve Irwin, aka Australia’s Crocodile Hunter, dangled his new infant in front of a 8-foot croc.

What’s next? I predict that in a bid of one-up-manship, Reuben from American Idol will dangle a two-year old over a live Hawaiian volcano, while Cinemax will pay Dolly Parton to dangle a set of twins over the Grand Canyon while strapped to a helicopter .

And in an outrageous stunt surely to go into the annals of history, George W. Bush will dangle his presidency over the American public in November.