Twas the week before PAA
And all through the Pop Center
Not a computer was working
Not even a printer

The network was down
And email was too
The student presenters
Were ready to poo

The admin staff
was all in a tizzy
with deadlines approaching
they looked toward Cecilia

“I’ve worked 80 hours this week”
Cec yelled out
“and I’ll work 80 more –
of that I’ve no doubt”

And Sandy told Mary
and Mary told Syd
And Syndey told Mary
and here’s what they did

“We’ll work and we’ll work
til the grants are all sent
But we must have a printer
or we can’t pay the rent”

So Cec went to Bob,
and Bob, he cried out
“Is there anyone out there
who knows what this is about?”

And up from the 16th floor
arrived Dave
A man twice as handsome
as ever was brave

With dashing aplumb
and brilliant regard
He worked very fast
yet he never worked hard

He began pulling cables,
and resetting the power
He worked so long
he wished he was paid by the hour

And finally at last,
his finger all set
He turned on the printer,
and what would he get?

He stared at the printer
but the printouts wouldn’t come
So he scratched his head
while he scratched him bum

“I must have reinforcements
to give it all that we’ve got
And soon arrived
Starling, Steve, and then Scott

And Starling asked Dave,
“to start without delay,
Have you filled out
Printer Enabling Form 7A?”

And Steve checked the servers
while Scott moved a PC
But nothing was working
here in the PRC

And then arrived the TA;
a TA from heaven it seems
Because in each of her arms
she carried two reams

She added the paper
to every printer in town
And smiles filled the faces
that were so recently frowns

And printing continued
for three nights and four days
Til papers filled the rooms,
the doors, and hallways

Til paper flew from every window in the tower
Til researchers studied
Our unique Paper Power

And the grants were all sent
And PAA passed with cheer
And all was then quiet
Til the same time next year

My Lass’s Ass

Twas the night afore Christmas,
and all through the hoose
nae a creature were stirrin’,
Nae even a wee moose.

I came back from the pub,
all gassy to plop,
yet before I could crap,
I’d hae time for a wee drop.

When all of a sudden,
There arose a terrible smell,
and I said to meself,
“What in bloody hell??”

Then down from the chimney
with the squawk of a bird
came a rush of a Scotsman
smellin’ like a turd.

His beard was as red
as the blood in his eyes.
He had less hair on his head
than he did on his thighs.

His kilt were as green
as his dangling pickle.
He had one long eyebrow,
the trait of a MacNicholl.

“You fat bastard!” I said
“Why in hell are ya here?
Your breath is as ripe
as a wooly sheep’s rear!”

“Now, Sean!” said the Laird
as he poured on a drop
“I been keepin’ a list,
and your name’s on the top!”

“It says you’re nice when you’re sober,
and still in the mood,
but you’re naughty when pissed
and nae any good.”

“I cannae believe it!
Your list is a lie!”
I put me hands on me face
and started to cry.

Now MacNicholl was moved,
and he could nary watch.
And turned right away,
and I kicked him in the crotch.

As he rolled on the floor,
I kicked in his knees.
I punched up his liver,
and stomped his kidneys.

But MacNicholl were strong,
and took every blow,
every kick, every stomp,
every twist of his elbow.

And then, with his speed,
he used a wrestling peg.
He hae me in the Scottish hold -
my head between his legs.

“Now, Sean, I’m not doone
There’s more to be told.
You’re ugly as sin,
and you’re unnaturally old.”

“Your horse has the look
of an animal buggered to dead,
and your ass is as crusty
as a stale piece of bread.”

“Your hoose has the smell
of the armpit of crooks,
which is more than I care
to say of it’s looks.”

“Your wife has the face
of a tired old goat,
and her ass is as big
as a flat-bottomed boat.”

“Aye, is true,” I replied,
“You say it as you see.
But flattery will get you
nowhere with me.”

Then MacNicholl cried out,
“But there’s nae so as bad,
and your rotten young children,
three horrible lads.”

“Each is more worse than
the one from before.
Old Michael’s as dirty as
an Englishman’s whore.”

“Sean, Jr, in the middle,
is no prize to behold;
he steals from the preacher
and drinks his beer cold.”

“But the youngest is worst,
young McHaggis McDougal,
He’s as skinflint, a cheapskate,
and overly frugal.”

“He’s never bought a pint
in the whole of his life
and he paid nae a shilling
to his butt-ugly wife.”

“Now say what you want
about me or me lass,
but speak ill of me lads,
and I’ll rip out your ass.”

So I cocked, and readied,
and landed my blow,
and I sent that old fat man
to the freezin’ North Pole.

Now, every year,
MacNicholl pays his penance,
by bringing each young child
an arm load of presents.

And for me and me missus,
he brings us a bottle
of Scotch made from
the twist of elf throttle.

Now the bastard MacNicholl,
cries in his stew,
and shouts out once a year,
“Merry Christmas to ewe!”

PDQ Bio

Pup-pup chi, pup chi
Pup-pup chi chi, pup chi

Listen to my story, you can go no higher
I’m the evilest son in the whole empire
I can crush your throat, sink your boat
put you in the air where you float
I can make you pee when you see
what I’m gunna do to thee

In the beginning tatooine I was in a bad stupor
Now I’m the master and you’re the pupil
I will slice you, dice you, and cook rice in you
you’ll be chop suey, like Jar Jar sushi
you’ll be dead just like Jim Belushi

Look at me and you’ll see that I got a lightsaber
see it glow and you’ll know that I’m fooking Darth Vader
Not that I’m having sexual intercourse with myself
I’m trying to say that I ain’t no pixie elf
I’m the sith, and your wish is to die!

Han Solo, you know you blow
Princess Leia good to see ya, wouldn’t wanna to be ya
There’s no human I would ever avoid
I ain’t scared of no jedi or droid

There’s only one creature that makes me chuck my cookies
it’s a beast named Chewbacca, a bad-ass muthafookin wookie
he’s brown like the stain on the inside of my pants
and his hair is long and he’s strong and he smokes a little gong
but you have to give me props, it the run of the course
cause I am the dark master of the goddamn force

Peace, no!
D.Vader

*(Vader Rap is an anagram of my name)